Running and Yoga

A while ago, I posted about how yoga practitioners often avoid running for fear that it'll kill all the progress they make in elongating their muscles.

When I took up Ashtanga yoga a few years back , I did my daily 2 hour practice and nothing else except some walking and swimming. Yet, in spite of the vigorous nature of Ashtanga, I had trouble losing weight. As well, I seemed to make only minimal progress in the postures.

Now, I realize that yoga isn't about postures only, but I still did wish to refine my practice. It just wasn't happening. While other students were putting their legs behind their head, I couldn't even get my butt off the ground in Upward Bow Pose, literally.

Well, now after running again, and losing some weight, I can actually lift up into Urdhva Dhanurasana, as the picture can attest. Now, I admit that this is a horrible representation of Urdhva Dhanurasana. My alignment is out of whack with my feet turned outward, and my arms are far, faaar from straight. Yet, I have terribly tight shoulders, always have, and probably my upper body isn't very strong right now.

Anyhow, I have a tendency to question, to question everything, including this unwritten rule about not letting running ruin your yoga practice. I imagine that yogis so advanced in their Ashtanga practice, they get so much cardiovascular benefit in their daily yoga, and it is enough. And, many yogis love nothing other, and that's cool too. But, for someone who loves running, it seems clear to me now that it doesn't intrude on yoga.

In spite of having a fairly sporadic yoga practice these days, with my running I'm finding that my body is overall more limber. In addition to Urdhva Dhanurasana, there are a number of other postures that I had great difficulty with before, but can start to do now. So, we'll see where this all takes me.

Ch-ch-changes

Had a class at the back-of-the-mat studio this morning, and it was great, very yin like. We did bridge pose with a block as a prop, and used it lengthwise. This gave enough lift and support to really have this great release. Overall, I was getting more into the non-ashtanga flow of things. Not being so compulsive about asanas presented a little differently, nor complaining about the somewhat excessive use of props.

After the class, I came to the parking lot with that Where am I? feeling. I felt very relaxed and refreshed. I was thinking how I can continue with this laid back style of yoga for a while. Even in my home practice lately, I've been doing mostly restorative poses, and asanas that support my current enthusiasm for running. It's been very eclectic. I do still love ashtanga, though, and have plans to return to daily ashtanga eventually.

I've been finding that being relatively out of shape has made me somewhat of an ashtanga misfit. I can see the beauty of the flow, but can't quite achieve it because I'm just plodding along, not able to do the jump throughs and all that.

Basically, it's a catch-22. I need some vigorous cardio to lose weight, but at my weight can't handle the jump throughs. So, I'm not really benefiting from the vinyasas like I should be. I also can't go running since that cramps everything up and makes practice a two steps forward, two steps back kind of progression.

Or, maybe I just can't hack the rigors of this practice right now. Maybe I'm just a slacker.

Whatever the case may be, I have made up my mind that I need to run and get back in shape. That's my priority now. Yoga is still a major part of my life, but not the only. I don't know, it seems like after years of immersing myself in eastern thought and asana, I'm not any wiser, not any calmer. Maybe if I just let go and go with the flow, then something will click. Like the old don't watch the toaster idea. So, in the meantime, I'll be spending more time at my new running blog.

Yogis Gone Mad

I mentioned to my husband yesterday how irked I was about standing at the back of the mat at yoga class. He chuckled at how enraged I get over such little things. Then, I recalled how not too long ago there was a post on ashtangi.net (which I can't seem to find now) about mats not being rolled properly at the studio.

So, we got to talking about how it'd be quite amusing to consider a yoga equivalent to road rage. What terrible things could yogis possibly do in their darkest moments? Perhaps they'd unfurl all the mats at the studio? Skip the opening mantra in class? Unscrew all the sugar lids at the coffee shop next door?

Who, Me?

Stubborn?

I've been going to this earthy little studio, which carries on the tradition of Vanda Scaravelli. The teacher is so insightful and gives intriguing adjustments. But, then, there are these things that really, really irk me.

Like, for starters, the standing poses all begin at the bottom of the mat, so that one steps up into the pose. What's this all about?? As far as I know, it's most natural to begin in samasthiti at the top of the mat and then step back into the asanas. I try and just go with the flow, but the thought does occur to me, why, oh why have I ended up at the only studio on the planet that has students standing at the back of their mats?

And it doesn't end here. Let's also talk about Utthita Parsvakonasana. So, we're going along in class through some standing poses and I'm enjoying Utthita Trikonasana, Utkatasana and Virabhadrasana, albeit in somewhat modified forms. Then, the teacher begins Parsvakonasana. Yet, what she demonstrates is rather puzzling. She basically steps forward and stands as in Trikonasana, but with the legs only about 3 feet apart at the most. Then she slightly bends her front leg, with the hips turned about 45 degrees. She then bends her torso forward, and voila, an unrecognizable Parsvakonasana.

I'm all for exploring and modifying, but when an asana gets reinterpreted like this, I feel rebellious, and, well, stubborn. I can be pretty open minded, I think, as I haven't been too disgruntled about teachers who use props in ashtanga classes, nor have I disliked hot yoga. Actually, I like trying different things. But, there's a limit. I guess I'm just not as easygoing as I thought.

Half Pint

I just couldn't resist any longer. I've gone back to my beloved running. I know, I know - this spells tight hamstrings, but I just don't care anymore. For as long as I can remember, running has kept me sane. I love the feel of the asphalt with the morning sun on my face, and all that corny stuff.

Anyhow, with running back in my life, I now feel like nothing else matters - even, gasp, yoga. But, I'm not willing to give up yoga quite yet, though. I'm still aiming for daily practice. Just standing sequence. So, I guess that makes me a half-pint ashtangi, or maybe not an ashtangi at all. Or maybe it makes me a runner who does a bit of ashtanga.

It doesn't matter. I'm happy.

Cheat Sheets & Feuerstein's Question

Every time I practice, in front of my mat I put my Primary Series booklet which I got at the Mysore Mandala. I always feel like it's a comfort thing, a good vibe from the shala. But then I've been thinking how it's made me dependant on it, and I don't trust my own memory for doing the sequence.

I decided this morning to forget about the cheat sheets, and actually it was a relief. I didn't realize how much glancing at the papers was distracting. I did my usual abridged practice - pranayama, standing, random seated asanas and savasana. The flow was feeling nice and I was happy.

I have still been pondering my answer to Feuerstein's question why do I practice. Sometimes I think that approaching it just as physical exercise might be a good thing, in that my expectations are then more modest and I don't get so disappointed and discouraged when I feel like I'm not getting anywhere spiritually. I mean, how would I quantify that anyway?

Yet, if yoga is just exercise, than why not my beloved running or weights or whatever? I guess that when I engage in other forms of exercise, I tend to still feel so tight and wound up and prone to injury, whereas with yoga I feel elongated. Also, yoga does seem to engage me on a subtler level, although I can't quite put my finger on it. There is the emptiness in savasana which I find intriguing, and there is a sense of calmness, perhaps, after a good practice. Most interesting, I find, is that yoga seems to produce some sort of process of unraveling. I do think that there is truth to the notion that the body stores emotions, memories and so on, and that some of this can be released, and that this release is healing.

Anyhow, I was feeling disgruntled about my practice recently, and sort of disengaged myself from it and thought I would get back into running, and maybe even triathlons, a great way to lose weight and stay in shape, for sure. But, soon I found myself feeling unsettled, more annoyed than usual. My back was tight, and I wondered if my disc injury would get worse and worse. Even the joints in my fingers swelled up and were really achey, and I thought my goodness, and I getting arthritis or something before my fortieth birthday?

I thought to myself, isn't Primary Series yoga chikitsa after all? Maybe it is healing, if nothing else. I mean, if aspirants do find enlightenment from asana practice, I still don't think this could be me, in this lifetime anyway, but what about the healing aspect of yoga. What if it just makes me feel healthier? Okay, so I resume practice. Maybe it's not a hardcore practice, but at least I'm on the mat every day for an hour or so. No expectations. No disappointments.

Emptiness

This is a little embarrasing, but when I first started yoga, I thought that I might hopefully become the blissful, svelte person that one might find on the cover of a yoga magazine.

Eventually, I decided that bliss is boring, and I'd strive to be one of these uber-ashtangis. Well, when this didn't happen, I was disappointed. But I continued, as I still needed to find something.

What I have found is simply a vast space, a disconcerting emptiness. I shudder at the thought of this emptiness, yet it draws me in, as if I could revel in it. And I do, I find joy in it, however brief.

Lately...

Have been appreciating new weekly hatha class.
Teacher caught me straining, and said insistence is self-abuse.
Class is bringing a new angle to my ashtanga practice.
Renewing commitment to daily ashtanga.
Surya Namaskaras and Standing Sequence.
Breathing Exercises.
Simple.
Back injury still a problem - not ready for Seated or Finishing.
Starting to undertand.
Yoga isn't about finding bliss.
It's about enduring.
Food addiction is an impediment to self-knowledge.
Now see that I was a food addict even when I was a size 6.
It just shows now that I'm no longer that size.
Curing addiction is also about enduring
There is no yoga with addiction.
Cleanse the body and poison it - this is a downward spiral.
Thought when I quit smoking years ago, I was no longer an addict.
I was wrong.
Been reading Georg Feuerstein's Deeper Dimension of Yoga.
Feuerstein says one must know reason for practicing yoga.
I still can't explain why I do it.
I just know that when I don't do yoga, I feel really crappy.

Gasp!!!

Iyengar-Ashtanga, that is basically how I can describe my practice this morning. It turns out to be the best thing for protecting my poor, old ruptured disc.

This teacher I went to the other day, who's been influenced by Vanda Scaravelli and Iyengar, she gave many insightful ways of working with the disc injury. She focused a lot on breath and the tummy "kissing the spine" during the out breath. Most asanas were then extending out from this core. So, Uthkatasana would begin with the core and the arms would extend up from there, and then the knees would bend.

Anyhow, I started this morning with 5 Surya Namaskara A, and 1 B. Then, I went through the Standing Sequence only, based on the suggestion in Beryl Bender Birch's Beyond Power Yoga, that just doing Standing is so healing and can be done even when one is otherwise tired or injured. I really, really focused on alignment, especially avoiding rounding the lower back, which is a killer for disc injuries. So, in forward bends, I would rest my forearms on my thighs and work on slowly extending my legs, thus freeing my back from any strain.

Once I finished Standing, I was basically done my Ashtanga practice, and then did a bunch of asanas that I felt drawn to, and did some simple alternate nostril breathing.

So, well, it's a little early to say, but I think I now have a local teacher! And, in blatant violation of the one teacher rule, I also have my teacher in India, and I'd venture to say that I also have an online teacher. All in all, I've found a nice groove for my own personal path. Just for today, anyway, all is good.

Full Circle

Yoga is a funny thing sometimes. It works on such subtle levels that it's difficult at times to see the true effects of asana. I had begun to see my practice as futile, that my body would never truly release. But, now I see that this is just the start of a long search to understand the difference between my finite self and infinite self. To start understanding that the finite self is so subject to maya and dukka.

I must admit that aside from my time with Sheshadri, my Ashtanga practice has often been shaky at best, without the consistent discipline that I still would hope to aspire to. But, anyhow, I did find some progress, but also much resistance. I had release in some areas, but the many were quite obtuse, especially the shoulders. Also, I found that when I did practice daily and vigorously, I'd feel tired and lousy the rest of the day. It's as if the cleansing effects of the practice were throwing my off kilter. I'd look at some uber ashtangis (yes, I know, not good to compare, but, but...) and wonder what's wrong with me. I knew intellectually that it's not about that at all, but I was still attached to the idea.

Anyhow, I came to a point in my practice when I started to work on my shoulders, and it slowly became apparent to me that my body was storing trauma. Over time, I ended up having flashbacks of abuse from my childhood, which were repressed memories. In any case, there was indeed a reason that my body was not releasing, and every attempt to open was causing me distress. I would eat over the stress, which would explain how I've not been able to lose my second pregnancy weight gain. After my first pregnancy, I lost 40 pounds mostly with running and diet. And, of course, running had allowed me to contain the stored trauma in the tight muscles. I got the runner's high and felt good. Thought I'd get the same feeling from the heat-inducing Ashtanga, but instead the cleansing and opening were distressing.

So, I took my overeating self to Overeaters Anonymous and embarked on the 12 steps. These steps, I now believe, are an incredibly streamlined method of applying the yamas and niyamas. I had always wondered about SKPJ's famous "99% practice, 1% theory". It now seems to me, as he does emphasize the yamas and niyamas in Yoga Mala, that practice does in fact continue off the mat to a considerable extent, and I was missing that point. In spite of studying these ten principles, I have had a sense that I was far from applying them to any considerable extent. And so, now the 12 steps have found me, and I can continue to work on that.

Okay, so my post is wandering around, but the full circle is that yoga did indeed get me to a place where I could recognize, after being on this earth for 38 years, that my body was storing trauma. Trying to release it was causing me distress and I was trying to self-medicate with food. The yoga took me that far, but I had to do the work off the mat to get beyond this point. If I just kept doing asana, as the nadis were cleared, I'd end up jamming them again with excess food and anxiety and so on. And continuing to work against myself just landed me back into injury, with my disc getting angry again.

Well, so here I am, healing slowly in my body and soul. And, I'm being gentle with myself, respectful of my body for the first time in my life. Hoping to do what is healing for my body, rather than constantly badgering it to do what I want. As my disc is healing, I am approaching the mat with some caution. I've even found this quaint, grassrootsy kind of yoga studio, where they teach in the tradition of Vanda Scaravelli. So, I now go to this teacher once a week, and she adjusts and inspires and advises, and even tests my ego when need be. And, at home, I do my restorative sequence, and work toward getting back into Primary Series. And I look forward to what Ashtanga will teach me this time round.