Running and Yoga

A while ago, I posted about how yoga practitioners often avoid running for fear that it'll kill all the progress they make in elongating their muscles.

When I took up Ashtanga yoga a few years back , I did my daily 2 hour practice and nothing else except some walking and swimming. Yet, in spite of the vigorous nature of Ashtanga, I had trouble losing weight. As well, I seemed to make only minimal progress in the postures.

Now, I realize that yoga isn't about postures only, but I still did wish to refine my practice. It just wasn't happening. While other students were putting their legs behind their head, I couldn't even get my butt off the ground in Upward Bow Pose, literally.

Well, now after running again, and losing some weight, I can actually lift up into Urdhva Dhanurasana, as the picture can attest. Now, I admit that this is a horrible representation of Urdhva Dhanurasana. My alignment is out of whack with my feet turned outward, and my arms are far, faaar from straight. Yet, I have terribly tight shoulders, always have, and probably my upper body isn't very strong right now.

Anyhow, I have a tendency to question, to question everything, including this unwritten rule about not letting running ruin your yoga practice. I imagine that yogis so advanced in their Ashtanga practice, they get so much cardiovascular benefit in their daily yoga, and it is enough. And, many yogis love nothing other, and that's cool too. But, for someone who loves running, it seems clear to me now that it doesn't intrude on yoga.

In spite of having a fairly sporadic yoga practice these days, with my running I'm finding that my body is overall more limber. In addition to Urdhva Dhanurasana, there are a number of other postures that I had great difficulty with before, but can start to do now. So, we'll see where this all takes me.

Ch-ch-changes

Had a class at the back-of-the-mat studio this morning, and it was great, very yin like. We did bridge pose with a block as a prop, and used it lengthwise. This gave enough lift and support to really have this great release. Overall, I was getting more into the non-ashtanga flow of things. Not being so compulsive about asanas presented a little differently, nor complaining about the somewhat excessive use of props.

After the class, I came to the parking lot with that Where am I? feeling. I felt very relaxed and refreshed. I was thinking how I can continue with this laid back style of yoga for a while. Even in my home practice lately, I've been doing mostly restorative poses, and asanas that support my current enthusiasm for running. It's been very eclectic. I do still love ashtanga, though, and have plans to return to daily ashtanga eventually.

I've been finding that being relatively out of shape has made me somewhat of an ashtanga misfit. I can see the beauty of the flow, but can't quite achieve it because I'm just plodding along, not able to do the jump throughs and all that.

Basically, it's a catch-22. I need some vigorous cardio to lose weight, but at my weight can't handle the jump throughs. So, I'm not really benefiting from the vinyasas like I should be. I also can't go running since that cramps everything up and makes practice a two steps forward, two steps back kind of progression.

Or, maybe I just can't hack the rigors of this practice right now. Maybe I'm just a slacker.

Whatever the case may be, I have made up my mind that I need to run and get back in shape. That's my priority now. Yoga is still a major part of my life, but not the only. I don't know, it seems like after years of immersing myself in eastern thought and asana, I'm not any wiser, not any calmer. Maybe if I just let go and go with the flow, then something will click. Like the old don't watch the toaster idea. So, in the meantime, I'll be spending more time at my new running blog.

Yogis Gone Mad

I mentioned to my husband yesterday how irked I was about standing at the back of the mat at yoga class. He chuckled at how enraged I get over such little things. Then, I recalled how not too long ago there was a post on ashtangi.net (which I can't seem to find now) about mats not being rolled properly at the studio.

So, we got to talking about how it'd be quite amusing to consider a yoga equivalent to road rage. What terrible things could yogis possibly do in their darkest moments? Perhaps they'd unfurl all the mats at the studio? Skip the opening mantra in class? Unscrew all the sugar lids at the coffee shop next door?

Who, Me?

Stubborn?

I've been going to this earthy little studio, which carries on the tradition of Vanda Scaravelli. The teacher is so insightful and gives intriguing adjustments. But, then, there are these things that really, really irk me.

Like, for starters, the standing poses all begin at the bottom of the mat, so that one steps up into the pose. What's this all about?? As far as I know, it's most natural to begin in samasthiti at the top of the mat and then step back into the asanas. I try and just go with the flow, but the thought does occur to me, why, oh why have I ended up at the only studio on the planet that has students standing at the back of their mats?

And it doesn't end here. Let's also talk about Utthita Parsvakonasana. So, we're going along in class through some standing poses and I'm enjoying Utthita Trikonasana, Utkatasana and Virabhadrasana, albeit in somewhat modified forms. Then, the teacher begins Parsvakonasana. Yet, what she demonstrates is rather puzzling. She basically steps forward and stands as in Trikonasana, but with the legs only about 3 feet apart at the most. Then she slightly bends her front leg, with the hips turned about 45 degrees. She then bends her torso forward, and voila, an unrecognizable Parsvakonasana.

I'm all for exploring and modifying, but when an asana gets reinterpreted like this, I feel rebellious, and, well, stubborn. I can be pretty open minded, I think, as I haven't been too disgruntled about teachers who use props in ashtanga classes, nor have I disliked hot yoga. Actually, I like trying different things. But, there's a limit. I guess I'm just not as easygoing as I thought.

Half Pint

I just couldn't resist any longer. I've gone back to my beloved running. I know, I know - this spells tight hamstrings, but I just don't care anymore. For as long as I can remember, running has kept me sane. I love the feel of the asphalt with the morning sun on my face, and all that corny stuff.

Anyhow, with running back in my life, I now feel like nothing else matters - even, gasp, yoga. But, I'm not willing to give up yoga quite yet, though. I'm still aiming for daily practice. Just standing sequence. So, I guess that makes me a half-pint ashtangi, or maybe not an ashtangi at all. Or maybe it makes me a runner who does a bit of ashtanga.

It doesn't matter. I'm happy.

OA, No Way, Not For Me

Okay, I tried, I really, really tried, to have an open mind. I went to many, many meetings, and did the steps, but alas, it's not to be.

After giving it a lot of consideration, and a fair bit of research, I've come to the conclusion that it's time to move on. I do realize that people find hope in the program, and so what I'm voicing here is just my opinion from my own experience and observations.

First of all, the meetings in my area have very few people in recovery. Maybe one person per meeting at the very best. In fact, there were an astounding number of "fat serenity" members. These were members who were in the program for years, sometimes decades, and confidently claimed to be in recovery. Yet they were still obese, sometimes morbidly obese. I really found it shocking that this was possible, and that the program would give room for such self-defeating denial. It didn't seem to be a very healing thing at all. In fact, it was downright frightening.

Furthermore, it seems that there is some research that has challenged the supposed effectiveness of 12-step programs. There have been studies tracking AA members who were referred by court orders into the program, for example. It seems that the alcoholics who attended AA fared far worse than those with no treatment at all, who just quit on their own. The vastest amount of recovery was seen in those who attended cognitive based therapy and groups.

I do realize that this is still open to debate, yet in my own experience I did attend a counseling group for survivors of child abuse in addition to the OA groups. I felt that the counseling group, with the trained facilitator, was far more encouraging. In OA, I often felt like it was the blind leading the blind.

In OA, there is the claim (which seems to be completely unfounded) that compulsive overeating is a disease, a physical, spiritual and emotional malady. I do see that overeating can have underlying emotional causes. But I'm starting to vehemently disagree with the notion that compulsive overeating is as a disease. In fact, I now see how this belief can actually lead many people to binge even more than ever. Personally, I gained weight the whole time I was in OA, and I think this notion of having a disease, of being powerless, really created mind-games that led to more eating.

On the other hand, in my survivors group, they suggested that eating disorders were simply coping mechanisms for many people who've suffered trauma as children. The comfort and escape of food helped the children survive situations in their lives that they had no control over, and then the eating problems continued into adulthood. Yet, as adults we can now replace these mostly self-destructive coping mechanisms with healthier ones. This seems to make a lot of sense to me, and I like how replacing the bad eating habits is very empowering, in contrast with saying I have a disease.

I also have a personal issue with the 12-step notion of embracing powerlessness, and seeking sanity from a higher power of our understanding. I felt that this went against my lifelong belief in empowerment for women. In particular, for survivors of abuse, empowerment is essential, and looking to an outside power for help seems debilitating. Janet, in the blog, Two Fat Sisters Getting Skinny, gave a very interesting write up here about her experiences with OA, and her criticism of the powerlessness idea. I can really see where she's coming from.

And, lastly, there is the question of how to define abstinence for compulsive overeaters. While for AA members it is very clear cut, in OA it is quite troublesome. Each overeater basically has to decide on a food plan, and what foods to cut out. The idea is that the disease is also an allergy of the body, where certain foods simply can not be eaten in moderation - they are trigger foods. What the trigger foods are can vary a great deal from person to person. Typically it might be buttery and sugary foods. I tried this with sugar, but found that every time I broke abstinence, I felt tremendous guilt and a sense of failure. These bad feelings about myself only led to despair and, well, yes, more eating. On the other hand, with programs like Weight Watchers, they encourage people to have a little bite of something and then say, okay that's enough, which seems more sensible. It seems far less extreme to just say I will limit certain foods because of the way they effect my blood sugar levels or what have you, rather than claiming I will forever abstain from them 100%.

Anyhow, I've decided to just do this on my own now, by thinking like a personal trainer. I once had great success (after my first pregnancy) with Weight Watchers, but can't bear to go back to the Points, and the dependance on that program. Up until my parenting years, I basically managed to keep my weight not skinny, but mostly a size 6 or 8, which is healthy. I didn't follow diets and just used common sense, in spite of my proclivity for emotional eating.

Not sure anymore

I'm having doubts about Overeaters Anonymous. My group seems to have few people who've actually lost weight. Some claim to be in recovery, but are obese. Makes me wonder sometimes.

In a different group (not OA) that I attended for survivors of childhood abuse, it was said that compulsive overeating, bulimia and so on are common coping mechanisms of survivors, and that these can be replaced with healthier coping tools. On the other hand, in OA it says overeating is a disease, and that you're powerless.

I was always fairly athletic and fit, mostly around a size 6, until my first pregnancy when I gained 50 lbs. I lost the weight with the Weight Watchers program, but then gained it back during my second pregnancy. When I couldn't get the weight off, eventually I decided that OA could be for me. But now I'm having second thoughts.

The thing is, I feel like getting my weight back under control is important to my yoga practice. Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to be against the yamas and niyamas in so many ways.

Not sure what I think about this anymore.

Cheat Sheets & Feuerstein's Question

Every time I practice, in front of my mat I put my Primary Series booklet which I got at the Mysore Mandala. I always feel like it's a comfort thing, a good vibe from the shala. But then I've been thinking how it's made me dependant on it, and I don't trust my own memory for doing the sequence.

I decided this morning to forget about the cheat sheets, and actually it was a relief. I didn't realize how much glancing at the papers was distracting. I did my usual abridged practice - pranayama, standing, random seated asanas and savasana. The flow was feeling nice and I was happy.

I have still been pondering my answer to Feuerstein's question why do I practice. Sometimes I think that approaching it just as physical exercise might be a good thing, in that my expectations are then more modest and I don't get so disappointed and discouraged when I feel like I'm not getting anywhere spiritually. I mean, how would I quantify that anyway?

Yet, if yoga is just exercise, than why not my beloved running or weights or whatever? I guess that when I engage in other forms of exercise, I tend to still feel so tight and wound up and prone to injury, whereas with yoga I feel elongated. Also, yoga does seem to engage me on a subtler level, although I can't quite put my finger on it. There is the emptiness in savasana which I find intriguing, and there is a sense of calmness, perhaps, after a good practice. Most interesting, I find, is that yoga seems to produce some sort of process of unraveling. I do think that there is truth to the notion that the body stores emotions, memories and so on, and that some of this can be released, and that this release is healing.

Anyhow, I was feeling disgruntled about my practice recently, and sort of disengaged myself from it and thought I would get back into running, and maybe even triathlons, a great way to lose weight and stay in shape, for sure. But, soon I found myself feeling unsettled, more annoyed than usual. My back was tight, and I wondered if my disc injury would get worse and worse. Even the joints in my fingers swelled up and were really achey, and I thought my goodness, and I getting arthritis or something before my fortieth birthday?

I thought to myself, isn't Primary Series yoga chikitsa after all? Maybe it is healing, if nothing else. I mean, if aspirants do find enlightenment from asana practice, I still don't think this could be me, in this lifetime anyway, but what about the healing aspect of yoga. What if it just makes me feel healthier? Okay, so I resume practice. Maybe it's not a hardcore practice, but at least I'm on the mat every day for an hour or so. No expectations. No disappointments.

Emptiness

This is a little embarrasing, but when I first started yoga, I thought that I might hopefully become the blissful, svelte person that one might find on the cover of a yoga magazine.

Eventually, I decided that bliss is boring, and I'd strive to be one of these uber-ashtangis. Well, when this didn't happen, I was disappointed. But I continued, as I still needed to find something.

What I have found is simply a vast space, a disconcerting emptiness. I shudder at the thought of this emptiness, yet it draws me in, as if I could revel in it. And I do, I find joy in it, however brief.

Lately...

Have been appreciating new weekly hatha class.
Teacher caught me straining, and said insistence is self-abuse.
Class is bringing a new angle to my ashtanga practice.
Renewing commitment to daily ashtanga.
Surya Namaskaras and Standing Sequence.
Breathing Exercises.
Simple.
Back injury still a problem - not ready for Seated or Finishing.
Starting to undertand.
Yoga isn't about finding bliss.
It's about enduring.
Food addiction is an impediment to self-knowledge.
Now see that I was a food addict even when I was a size 6.
It just shows now that I'm no longer that size.
Curing addiction is also about enduring
There is no yoga with addiction.
Cleanse the body and poison it - this is a downward spiral.
Thought when I quit smoking years ago, I was no longer an addict.
I was wrong.
Been reading Georg Feuerstein's Deeper Dimension of Yoga.
Feuerstein says one must know reason for practicing yoga.
I still can't explain why I do it.
I just know that when I don't do yoga, I feel really crappy.

Gasp!!!

Iyengar-Ashtanga, that is basically how I can describe my practice this morning. It turns out to be the best thing for protecting my poor, old ruptured disc.

This teacher I went to the other day, who's been influenced by Vanda Scaravelli and Iyengar, she gave many insightful ways of working with the disc injury. She focused a lot on breath and the tummy "kissing the spine" during the out breath. Most asanas were then extending out from this core. So, Uthkatasana would begin with the core and the arms would extend up from there, and then the knees would bend.

Anyhow, I started this morning with 5 Surya Namaskara A, and 1 B. Then, I went through the Standing Sequence only, based on the suggestion in Beryl Bender Birch's Beyond Power Yoga, that just doing Standing is so healing and can be done even when one is otherwise tired or injured. I really, really focused on alignment, especially avoiding rounding the lower back, which is a killer for disc injuries. So, in forward bends, I would rest my forearms on my thighs and work on slowly extending my legs, thus freeing my back from any strain.

Once I finished Standing, I was basically done my Ashtanga practice, and then did a bunch of asanas that I felt drawn to, and did some simple alternate nostril breathing.

So, well, it's a little early to say, but I think I now have a local teacher! And, in blatant violation of the one teacher rule, I also have my teacher in India, and I'd venture to say that I also have an online teacher. All in all, I've found a nice groove for my own personal path. Just for today, anyway, all is good.